Saturday's XS challenge. My cell won... I can never get used to winning things. It wasn't easy though. Had to go through two bowls of peppery Wan Tan (dumplings) to win. I ate a total of 38 dumplings I think. Others had to gulp down half a watermelon, solve puzzles, get the clues which were on the ground floor from the 3rd floor. And so my nameless cell got off to a good start. Jeremy Gan suggested a verse from Ephesians 4:1-6. It refers to unity as a body of Christ which is one of the key points of a healthy cell.

"One body, one spirit, one hope, ...one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God & Father of all"

Verses 5 & 6 emphasise the word 'one'. Would it be good as a cell name?
One

Yesterday was one of the most relaxed Sundays I've had in a long long time. Really enjoyed playing drums for CPC 1. Had a good time of prayer and praise before CPC 2 service started. Without the pressure of booking in lurking at the back of my mind. I really thank God for this new phase of NS. More time to spend with Him, more time to prepare for cell group and more time to myself.

Soccer with Marine Parade Christian Centre was a feisty one. But it ended off well. We still lost 2-1. Thats two losses in two weeks. Oh well... Still have a lot to improve in the team. I played alright I guess. Trying to nail down my midfield role. Its easier with the improved fitness but I still need to improve on my dribbling. I think my strengths are holding up the ball and passing. I've also been wondering whether I shout too much at my players. Am I expecting too much?


There's still something missing though. Something thats not there. But that will settle itself in time. Because I don't like this feeling of being alone. Don't get me wrong. I'm perfectly fine. But there's a desire that cannot be quelled. I don't think its supposed to be gotten rid off. Only temporarily quietened so that it doesn't consume you.

::: Verse of the Day :::
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
| Philippians 4:12-13 |

"We've got to get better."
I said, "It's all in your head."
We could live through these letters
Or forget it all together.
See the months they don't matter.
It's the days I can't take
When the hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away.

Just ask the question (Just ask the question).
Come untie the knot.
Say you won't care,
Say you won't care.
And retrace the steps (Retrace the steps)
as if we forgot.
Say you won't care.
Say you won't care.
We try to avoid it (Try to avoid it),
But there's not a doubt
And there's one thing I can do nothing,
There's one thing I can do nothing,
There's one thing I can do nothing about.

Well all that we need is just a reaction,
It's too much to ask for when there's no attraction anymore
If chasing our dreams is just a distraction,
I want to remember when I know that I can't go back.
| taking back sunday - new american classic |

I'm a corporal now... Didn't manage to walk the 32km route march but it wasn't a requirement for passing BSLC. I reported sick on Monday when I booked back in to camp. Not sleeping for more than 40 hours is not a good idea. And playing soccer during that time isn't recommended either...

Anyway, I've been posted to Stagmont Camp to be trained as a signal specialist. I was almost disappointed to hear my name being called out for the signal specialist. I had been preparing myself for ASLC for a long time now and had convinced myself of the good points of being there.
1) I have a 1st Sergeant Instructor whom I really respect. He does things the 'experienced' way. Gets the job done and knows how to relax.
2) I have a really good Staff Sergeant who is a buffer for the shit coming from the big bosses
3) I sort of like the section training. (a.k.a. Chionging)
4) I respect my Platoon Commander for his 'Garang-ness'.
5) The combat pay would be useful. ($100 more)
6) You get promoted to 3rd Sergeant sooner.

But God knows best. I've been thinking a lot about how I would take care of my cell group if I had gone to ASLC. Now with a lighter load, I can focus more. Hopefully I focus more. I need to FOCUS!!! Haven't been very steady lately. I dunno why I waver. Thank God. Gotta go rest. Have to be at Stagmont Camp at 0745...

Tomorrow the holiday ends... Tomorrow I begin my work again. Its been a good time of rest. Responsibilities don't end although I'm in camp. Even though I don't hear anything from XS, things still move on. My responsibility to find out. Next week we will be having the multiplication of the cell groups in XS. Maybe a better word would be 'reorganisation'. The problem is... I'll be in camp. Another confinement weekend.

Am I being responsible if I say I'll continue with my tasks but end up not being able to fulfill them? I don't think it would be possible to just drop them though. There's no one else to do those tasks. So I'll just carry on But God will make a way. I just have to be willing.

Finally meeting the 'gang' (Matt, Ziig, Cheng, Pam, Denise) after so long. Time doesn't permit. Organise my time? I only have a total of one and a half days to 'organise'. Thats on a good week. And then I have to leave out most saturday evenings, sunday mornings, and some sunday afternoons. So the only free time is just after I book out. Oh well... I'm not complaining. I know God sees and He will honor even if men don't.

God... Its times like this where I feel like giving up. When I've come so far and have nothing to show for it. Do I have nothing to show? Maybe I'm grading myself with a wrong system.

You don't want to be associated with the world? You want to be associated with spiritual things? Then you need to be graded along with spiritual people. But the problem is, there is a lack of people who are like-minded where I am. I'm residing at a place where 80% of the sentences are littered with expletives. I have no opportunity to talk about spiritual things. And times where I do bible study could be interrupted at any moment.

Maybe life will be like that next time. Maybe this is my familiarisation phase. To get me used to living like this when I start serving Him. Its just like doing physically strenuous activities. You do it often enough and sooner or later you're able to do more when you reach the same level of tiredness. Maybe this is the level of independence that I have to achieve. A level where it becomes a part of me. Maybe there is a change... Maybe I do have an influence on others. But I don't see the fruits.

It could be a time to exercise patience or a time where I need to re-evaluate myself. It could be a time to let go of certain responsibilities which I know I won't be able to fulfill well. Is that me? If I can't do it to the best of my ability, should I continue doing it?

I’ve been really afraid of being close to God for the wrong reason. I don’t want my relationship with God to be affected by external events. Its true that I got a ‘kick start’ from you but I hope that I’m doing it for the right reason. Time will tell...
| written 12 November 2002 |

::: Lyric of the Day :::
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all the pretty things she did
Hey, you know you keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all these screwed up things I did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine...
| something corporate - konstantine |